The Couch QB

Hitler Took Tennessee And The Points

CouchQB — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 01:03:27 +0000

Week 2 - Matchups To Watch

JokeKillerKiller — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:45:07 +0000

Game of the Week
Miami (FL) (1-0) @ #5 Florida (1-0)
Line: Florida -21.5

Five years ago, this would have been clearly the game of the week, but since Urban Meyer took over, the two programs have moved in opposite directions. With Meyer, it seems like Florida will continue to be a title contender while the Canes have dropped to the middle of the pack in the ACC. Whether or not WR Percy Harvin plays or not, Tim Tebow should have plenty of options against an always athletic Miami defense. It will be the play of one of Miami's freshman QB tandem Ricky Marve or Jacory Harris that dictates whether the Canes can hang in there or fold under the pressure.

Mailbag: Week 1 Oberservations

JokeKillerKiller — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:34:48 +0000

This submission comes to us written by JokeKillerKiller:

Week one of college football where the best games are few and far between. The real winners are the cupcake teams from the smaller conferences or Division I-AA that get paid to come in and lose to a larger program. Who wants to see Oklahoma crush Chattanooga by 55 or Penn State crush Coastal Carolina by 56. But if you are the program that brings in a team you are supposed to beat and then look bad, then shame on you.

I'm talking to you Michigan, Virginia Tech, Pitt, Texas A&M, Arkansas, and North Carolina. Michigan gets embarrassed at home (AGAIN) by Utah. Virginia Tech loses the battle of "Beamer Ball" and loses to East Carolina. The supposed comeback of Pitt is stopped before it can even start by Bowling Green. Former Packers coach Mike Sherman wishes he were still in the NFL and not losing A&M's opener to Arkansas State and Arkansas and North Carolina are forced to make fourth quarter comebacks to Western Illinois and McNeese State respectively.

Tennessee Booster Admits To Giving Football Players Money

CouchQB — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:56:33 +0000

I wanted to archive this post made by a self-proclaimed Tennessee booster in which he openly admits to giving football players money.

TennStud: The lady is correct; Jarrod Parris, while leaving, with a most beautibul lady from Covington, was asked by some others how many tattos did he have. He replied proudly "none", I'm not a thug. I gave him a $100 bill, as I have most every other Div 1 athlete who's at my home and I'm told doesn't have a tatoo. Mr. Williams, Dan's father, was here tonight and when someone queatined whether his son didn't have a tatoo, Mr. Williams, who's a USPO employee, said "that's right. His Mom told him he'd better not ever get a tatoo and I'm proud to say, he doesn't". Scores of lawyers, judges, business people were around and several said "that's great; if he doesn't make it in the NFL, make sure he calls me." I've given approx $1,000 in 100 bills lately, several to UT, for first rate, first class, individuals, who don't have tattos. Not all individuals with tattos are thugs, but ALL criminals, thugs, have tatoos! Not all mothers are as influential, as close to their son, influential with their son, as evidently, Mrs. Williams is with Dan! God Bless Mrs. and Mr. Williams.

Ring ring ring! Hello, NCAA? I'd like to report a violation please. Which team? Oh, Tennessee. Yes, the Tennessee Vols. In the SEC. Oh, it'll be a while until you can get to them? Ok. I saw a Washington player find a quarter on the ground and pick it up after somebody wearing Husky gear dropped it. Right, in the PAC-10. Probation? Announced tomorrow? Great!

UCLA Surprises Nation, Perhaps Doesn't Suck As Much As Everybody Thought

CouchQB — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:51:46 +0000

I'll admit it. I lost a few bills by betting on Tennessee -7 this game. UCLA was supposed to lose, but they didn't. Bad for my bank account, bad for the SEC, good for the PAC-10.

Do the Bruins not suck as much as everybody thought? Or did Tennessee just play that bad? We'll find out in a couple weeks when the Bruins play BYU. If they're the UCLA that I know, they'll come back from an amazing win over a top-25 opponent and piss away any credibility gained by losing to a lesser team. Until then, when it comes to UCLA my wallet is staying in my pocket.

The Might That Is The SEC

CouchQB — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:28:53 +0000

Here's a summary of what SI is calling the #1 conference in the US after week 1 of football.

2007 SEC East Champion Tennessee plays a middling UCLA team reduced to its 3rd-string JC transfer quarterback, razor thin offensive line and who lost their starting TE, RB and WR in the first half of the game, and loses.

Of course, the other SEC teams dominated. Arkansas squeaked out a 4-point victory over perennial football power Western Illinois, Auburn blows through world-beating team Louisiana-Monroe, Florida crushes annual BCS contender Hawaii, #1-ranked Georgia blows by powerful Georgia Southern (thankfully not looking past that game to Central Michigan next week), and LSU now gets to focus on Troy and North Texas after beating down super-tough IAA team Appalachian State. Mississippi State also lost to Louisiana Tech.

Announcers Love Alliteration, Won't Shut The Fuck Up About "Beamer Ball"

CouchQB — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 17:12:42 +0000

Can I please watch a Virginia Tech football game without the announcer reflexively mentioning "Beamer Ball" every time a Virginia Tech player does something positive on special teams?

I'm watching the Virginia Tech / East Carolina game. An East Carolina running back fumbles a backwards pass by the quarterback. The ball is on the ground. A Virginia Tech defensive back picks it up and runs into the endzone.

Announcer: "OMFG! That's classic Beamer Ball, folks! I just cummed!"

Arizona State's Storm-Proof Indoor Practice Facility Gets Destroyed In Storm

CouchQB — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:31:12 +0000

Arizona State's brand new indoor football practice facility, known as the "practice bubble" and specifically designed so the team could avoid storms and keep on practicing, has been taken down in the storm and is unusable for the entire season. Me thinks that some heads need to roll in the Arizona State's engineering program.

Looks like Arizona State isn't a BCS bubble team anymore! Tee hee!

(I was going to say "I hate to burst Arizona State's bubble..." but didn't want to sound like a tool.)

Reminder: Charlie Weiss Is Still Unproven. And Super Fat!!

CouchQB — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:14:06 +0000

This is just a reminder before the first Saturday of the new season that Charlie Weiss is still unproven. Tyrone Willingham was fired from Notre Dame for going 21-15. Charlie Weiss at Notre Dame right now is 22-15, but somehow was able to pull a 10-year contract from Notre Lame's powers that be. I guess they thought they were getting a football genius from the Patriots, but it doesn't seem like the Patriots are suffering that much without Weiss.

It doesn't look like Notre Dame will be world beaters this season either. Reports from people posting on message boards claiming to have seen Notre Dame practices (the most accurate and best sources for college football information in the fucking universe) have described Notre Dame as looking "small and slow." Personally, I'll be surprised if the Irish go .500 this season despite their weak schedule.

With that, I'm going to end this post with a joke, because I've always wanted to be a comedian and when I tell people that they laugh at me.

*Clears throat*

Q: What do Notre Dame and weed have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls! Ba-da-bing!

SEC: The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Conference In The Known Universe

CouchQB — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:16:29 +0000

Surprise, surprise. Another article filled with quotes from SEC coaches and fans about how great the SEC is, bla bla bla. No doubt the SEC is an awesome conference, but to say an SEC team with two losses absolutely deserves to be in the national championship game over other teams with fewer losses is going beyond reason.

"If you can win the SEC championship, odds are you can play for the national championship, and that says a lot about the league," Bloom said. "When people look at the pre-season magazines, there are a lot of people who say that a two-loss SEC team, depending on what happens elsewhere in the country, can compete for a national championship again."